Are Your Neighbors Undead?
by Kerrelyn Sparks

How well do you know your neighbors? I know a few of my neighbors very well. Their children play with my children. They always show up for the New Year's Eve block party and shoot fireworks in the street (yes, we still do fireworks in Katy, Texas). In fact, these people will show up for any party where there's food and booze.

Unfortunately, there are a few neighbors who are so noisy you wish they were undead: the guy who's favorite hobby is running a chainsaw every weekend (yes, we have chainsaws in Texas); the teenager who cruises the streets with the bass booming loud enough to shake your windows; and the kid down the street who's learning (not) to play an electric guitar in his garage.

Then, there are the others. You know who I'm talking about. The neighbors nobody sees. Maybe they're shy. Maybe they're elderly. Maybe they're homebound. Maybe, they're UNDEAD...

How can you tell if you have the Undead living next door? And if you do, is it politically correct to label them as such? After all, you don't want the whole neighborhood sharpening their stakes and loading their shotguns with silver shells (yes, we have shotguns in Texas. I reckon they saw them off with those chainsaws...)

For educational purposes only, I will discuss a few clues that will help you determine if your neighbor is Undead. If you discover that your neighbor is indeed Undead, I would urge you to show compassion and not kill him. He's already died once. And I doubt it gets any easier with practice.

Now here are your instructions:

1. Approach the house during the day. Is it unearthly quiet? Is there a sign at the door that says "Don't ring the bell. Day sleepers inside"? This is a big clue. They're either working the night shift or they're Undead.

2. If they answer the door during the day, then chances are they are alive. Don't let them see your shotgun, as this might cause them some alarm. If they don't answer the door during the day, then they might be Undead. Proceed to step 3.

3. Approach the house carefully at night after supper. (You don't want them to be hungry when they meet you). Bring a homemade dessert with you as a welcoming present. (If you are in Texas, I recommend a pecan pie or peach cobbler). If they invite you in for some dessert, and you see them actually eat, then they are not Undead. If they invite you in, but neglect to eat any of the dessert, then they might be Undead (or possibly, Yankees).

4. While you're in their house, take a look around. Are they using a coffin as a coffee table? Is their pantry empty? Is the refrigerator filled with nothing but bottles of red wine? At this point, you are correct to assume those bottles are NOT filled with wine. Tell them you left the iron on and get out of there!

5. Maybe their house looks normal, but you're still suspicious. Take a good look at the neighbors. Is their skin very pale? Do they dress all in black? Do they speak with a Transylvanian accent or use antique phrases like pray tell and sirrah? If any of them is sporting a black silk cape, tell them you need to leave immediately. You left some garlic roasting in the oven.

6. While you're in their house, ask to use the restroom. If there is no mirror in their bathroom, tell them you need to leave immediately. You left some cheesy garlic fries in the microwave.

7. And finally, the biggest clue of all. If at any time, their eyes begin to glow red, tell them you need to leave immediately. You left some wooden stakes out where the children might find them.

If you discover you are living next door to the Undead, don't panic! As long as they drink that bottled blood in their refrigerator, they should present no danger to you and your family.

For more information regarding the Undead, please refer to my latest book, THE UNDEAD NEXT DOOR. And please visit me at www.kerrelynsparks.com!

Be brave, be bold, be batty!!

Kerrelyn Sparks